Ok guys. I’m going to be very transparent today. This one isn’t the easy chatter of clearance racks and vacations. This is going deeper.
For the last 7 or 8 months, I have completely questioned who I am, what I’m worth, and even my entire relationship with God. I’ve struggled with more doubt not only in myself, but God’s plan for me than I have in a very long time. It came completely out of nowhere. That’s how life can hit you.
Being born to drug addicted parents, having them die at the age I became an official adult, 18 years old, then to go immediately into a marriage with my husband where drugs and adultery have slammed my self-esteem to its very core (God is a very restoring God), I came to a place at 31 years old where I finally came to cope with something that I never knew was killing me from the inside out.
I never had someone allow me to fall and catch me. In fact, I, even as a child, was always doing the catching. I never knew true nurturing. I over performed to show my love knowing that meant never truly feeling it the right way in return.
Even more scary, I COULDN’T EVEN FEEL LOVE FROM OTHERS WHO ACTUALLY LOVED ME.
Oh, I’d love the crap out of someone until it physically hurt me, but I had so many walls built that it was impossible to be vulnerable enough to believe anyone really loved me past a surface level of having fun or my good “performance.” To this very moment I type these words, I’m still being molded in this area and going through “recovery.” I can be real in this moment and say I’m still not completely “there” yet.
This is the amazing love of a Father in heaven, one that knew I would be in this very spot today. One Father who created love, who IS love. In the midst of the darkest moments where I contemplated even giving up my faith in Him altogether, my God spoke to me. He told me that I didn’t have to perform for His love. There is beauty in complete surrender, not just in worship, but in our acts. He also showed me that my worth did not depend on a human being choosing something else over me, whether it was drugs, another woman, friendships, etc. That was their issues with strongholds and bondage and not because of my lack of worth. And He gave me one other huge revelation. I needed to stop trying to do God’s “job” in my life and in others I loved because that load was NEVER intended for me to carry, and it was beginning to crush me from the heavy burden. When we carry burdens they are heavy but when Jesus does, it’s light, just as the Bible says.
I write this today to encourage someone in a few ways. Firstly, you can shove grief down, not deal with it, and try to be “strong” on your own will all you want, and you may even do it for years and it not surface. But trust me, when it does surface, because grief loves to manifest in all types of other forms, it will hit you like an unexpected baseball bat to the gut. You have to see that true strength comes from “weakness” because it’s there that we have to depend on God. It’s ok to be weak. It took me over 30 years to get that, but I’m finally understanding it.
Also, when people you care for deeply hurt you, you have to sometimes step out of yourself and see that you are just collateral damage to the bondage of the enemy who have your love ones entangled. That can be VERY hard. I constantly thought, what could I have done better, how could I have PERFORMED more to help them love me and not leave. The reality was it had nothing to do with me to begin with.
I will finish with this. We are all wounded works in progress. It’s a tough pill to swallow finding out you are broken. But know there’s a Healer who can put the pieces back together. That doesn’t mean that trials won’t come, and you may not be strong in faith at times. But how beautiful is it that God not only has the grace to take us back to Him, but He also isn’t mad at us, never holds grudges, and so lovingly forgives us.
I am on a journey of finding myself. I’m not looking for the old me. I’m beginning to step into what my destiny is. There’s something I’ve come to realize in this journey. I am worth finding. 🙂