I’m currently wiping away my tears as I write this. I had a gut-wrenching revelation today.
I have been very selfish in my marriage as of late.
I’m not saying I’m selfish all the time, but I’ve realized today that in my pursuit to guard my own heart I have neglected the one of the man whom God has joined me together with. I have allowed my own hurt to allow me to look at life with selfish views.
“What about me? What about my heart? What about my happiness?”
I’m not saying my hurt isn’t real and isn’t even wrong to feel. But I can only think back to Jesus and the undeniable rejection and hurt He felt at the cross. Did He build walls emotionally against us? Did He say ,”well, I’ll NEVER allow that hurt again!” as He hung there to die? Did He think we were a hopeless cause or worth quitting on? NO. In fact, He did the polar opposite. He said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing.” And for the last 2,000 plus years since then, He’s never wavered in His mercy, love, and grace for the very ones who deserve it the least.
I renewed my vows with my husband on my birthday last year in October. I’ve realized since that day, a moment where we declared a fresh start to our loved ones in attendance, the enemy immediately began the attack. From me getting in a car accident in December that injured me, to having to suddenly move from our old house, to battles emotionally we have never dealt with, together or separately, and to repeats of battles I thought would never return like drugs and lust, the devil has hit us with everything he has. And at times, we have given him an express pass to the roller coaster of our lives and not operated in the authority given to us to completely demolish him.
We have grown TREMENDOUSLY through this time, however, when moments of my husband making any kind of mistake occurred, I shot a 10 foot wall up so fast and felt completely justified in doing so. This led to him acting out even more to get my attention and me adding some more bricks to my ever-growing building structure. Instead of acting as Jesus did, humbling myself to realize that even if I was wronged in the situation, I could be more accommodating to the fact that my husband was a work in progress, I became distant and fantasized about a way out.
Once again the enemy loves to swoop in on a wounded prey. Our passion for God and each other was admirable, but when we took the focus off the true enemy actually being the devil himself, we became like an army that suddenly turned on each other. We didn’t even need an opposing troop waging war against us because we were doing the job just fine ourselves.
We had a breakthrough a few days ago counseling again. My husband finally understood my position. I left feeling hopeful because there were some strongholds that definitely needed addressing. I felt a weight lifted. I felt vindicated in some ways.
But I have to say today, after watching a preaching from Lisa Bevere on marriage that I stumbled upon on YouTube, I sat in tears as I realized I, too, got revelation of my own selfish strongholds. I believe my husband allowing God to deliver him from the control of “fixing” me also helped release God to do a work in me. It’s funny how when we just let God do His job we see we should have done it a long time before!
I have decided to do a new mini vow renewal today. I vow and choose (yes it’s a choice that you have to make with an intention) to love my husband in a way that allows his heart to be free to grow without fear or condemnation. I vow to affirm him more with my words, especially in front of our children, even if I wasn’t raised seeing that and it’s not always comfortable for me. I vow to demolish any walls I’ve built out of protection of myself, but instead be vulnerable and communicate my heart without selfish intentions. I vow to not always be perfect, but wake up everyday without a “quitting mentality.” I choose to dream, and those dreams include this man who God brought to me at 15 years old.
This is very humbling to write about. The enemy even now tries to put fear in me. “What if tomorrow is really bad, and now you put it out there for everyone to judge you if you fail?” Well, I might fail, but I also believe accountability is necessary to motivate me to keep to my word. I believe it may even in return tug on the heart of another wife out there who is in my shoes at this very moment. Your hurt is very real, but what you do with that hurt is a decision. Hurting people tend to be the main ones who hurt others, but it doesn’t have to be this way.
I called my husband bawling my eyes out about an hour ago. His response was, “there’s no need to apologize, but I appreciate it very much. I’m so happy for YOU in this moment.” He should have been happier for himself, but instead, he was happy for his wife who was experiencing freedom. He may make mistakes, but that right there spoke to me about his heart.
God is so good. Sometimes his revelations are a tough pill to swallow, but man, am I grateful for continual guidance. My tears are not of sorrow, but of joy and hope.
Today is a fresh new start.