Being a mother is wearing your heart not just on your sleeve, but also watching it walk around in human form (in my case times 3) and praying that God protects it with every fiber of our being. It’s vulnerable. It’s tough. But it’s also the sweetest, most innocent form of love I’ve ever known.
I remember the day I became a mother. I was in awe of this tiny little creature who had stolen my world completely. In an instant, everything was about this little man I held in my arms. The funny thing is the second and third time around was no different. It never gets old, and your heart is capable of loving every single child the same.
I find myself at times in fear of what the future holds for them. This world is so crazy and it’s only getting worse. Evil lurks and my children are not immune to it. The hardest truth I’ve ever had to swallow is that my kids are on loan to me. Ultimately, they are God’s, and my time is limited with them under my wing. They have a calling and purpose on this earth no matter how it may make me feel.
I homeschooled my kids for the last 2 years until this school year. I felt a tug on my heart to put them in a lottery for a charter school. I had every intention to home school again, but I thought, well let’s see what happens. They both got into the school. I immediately felt this was God, but it was not my choice at all. I struggled and fought with it for months. I over thought it and dissected it until I was crazy over it. When I finally surrendered, I heard a small, still voice say, “I am the One who protects them. It’s time for you to rest and spend some time finding YOU.”
Me? But what about my babies?! It felt selfish and wrong, but I also knew disobeying God would be worse. So my kids went to school, and you know what? Everyone has benefited! My boys absolutely love this brand new school full of technology and kids their ages, my youngest son is so much more well-behaved and happy because he is getting one-on-one attention and time with me that was very hard to come by before, and I am finding new outlets and projects to occupy my time. I also appreciate the time with my 2 older boys more now because it is cut down. I was worried my sons would lose their bond, but they are closer than ever for the same above reason! I’m not saying I may never home school again. I absolutely believe in and support homeschooling, but this is my season at the moment to take a break from it.
Ultimately, we can only pray for our kids, nurture and guide them in the way of the Father, and trust that God will do His job. I think it’s easy as a mom to sometimes try to get ahead of Him and once again, try to be God in our children’s lives. We can be manipulative and guilt them and try to plan every aspect of their lives, and our intentions may even be GOOD, but at the end of the day, we have to let God be God, even when it feels like we are losing all control. This is not an easy one for this girl, who still picks out every single outfit for my 3 boys all while trying to keep them little forever.
I believe the best thing we can do is pray for the grace to handle what WE are supposed to handle. God gives you the grace for what your circumstances call for. The worst thing you can do is try to understand and compare to another mother’s situation. God is also giving her the grace she needs as well. Don’t get in her way, and don’t try to take on her grace when you need your own.
I’m currently typing sitting at a McDonald’s play area. I dropped my two oldest sons off at school, and I’m watching my youngest one laugh and play as I write this. I feel very content at this moment. My heart is at peace because I am being obedient. I think about how different it could have been had I disobeyed. Maybe I would have quit this blogging thing due to distraction. I’m not sure, but I know God is blessing my obedience. It’s not me sacrificing my kids or being selfish. It’s me allowing God to be God in their lives as well and giving them their own journeys.
I pray that I can be on the sideline of every adventure they go on, cheering them on while God propels them into future men after His own heart. I’m their biggest fan after all, and they will ALWAYS be my babies.