I was very angry at God this past week. I almost quit my blog. I almost quit it all.
This entire year has been bombarded with trials that I’ve either never faced before or old junk that has resurfaced. It came to an ugly pinnacle when a category 4 hurricane named Irma was set to ram right through our city. The fear I felt as the news told us to evacuate or be prepared for a horrible night was crippling. To evacuate was as much of a risk for my family as staying because Florida was out of gas and the roads were jammed packed. I felt like I was in a crazy sci-fi movie.
Suddenly, I found myself bitter. “I don’t understand this, God. You have allowed EVERYTHING to be thrown at me. I have fought my ENTIRE life to be where I am today, and with that, I’m STILL not anywhere near where I want to be! My marriage has taken serious blows, my bills are piling up but my income is decreasing. I’m doing all this ministry work, yet I feel like many people in my life have abandoned my heart. Now I have to put my kids in a closet to sleep in fear of a hurricane harming us all! I can’t do this anymore!”
We were VERY blessed in the Tampa area that Irma decreased to a category 1 hurricane. We were without power and water for only a day. Others weren’t as fortunate. However, my finances and my husband’s job took a blow. The stress of the storm caused a lot of friction in the home. So again, I looked to God in anger.
“Why can’t anything ever go easy for me? Why does doing the right thing get you to this point? I keep telling myself there’s something great coming, but what if this is all just in my head? What if God HIMSELF is just in my head?! Or what if he’s punishing me?” It’s absolutely insane the thoughts the enemy can put in your mind. It’s even crazier that I was starting to believe them.
I found myself defeated. I went to church yesterday strictly out of obligation to my children’s church duties. Funny enough, we were teaching about anger. I couldn’t help but feel inferior in ways to teach that, being as I was so angry inside. But I also felt like God was trying to get my attention.
This morning, against my body’s every desire to lay in bed, I went for a jog. I have my first race since my car accident last December coming up. I am having to start from scratch and re-teach my body to run. I now have herniated and bulging disks in my back and neck and extra weight on my body since the last time I did this. But I want to make a comeback.
As I was jogging, I had praise and worship music in my headphones playing. Even though I was still angry at God in ways, I love to run to praise and worship music. It gets my spirit moving as well as my feet. About 10 minutes in, the song “Held,” by Casting Crowns spoke these words that saturated my broken heart.
“So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held.
Your world’s not falling apart. It’s falling into place. I’m on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held.”
Tears filled my eyes as I felt God basically hug me with his Holy Spirit. He also spoke this to me:
“Just like this jogging you’re doing, the process of training for anything good in life is difficult. It hurts. It feels almost stupid to put yourself through it. But if you don’t give up, the satisfaction and reward is entirely worth all the work put in. Don’t keep your eyes solely on the pain of the preparing, and instead, keep them on the goal and the eventual finish line.”
This life is not easy. There are days that you will be ridiculed. Good people will suffer loss, and evil people will prosper. However, this is just temporary. We know that God doesn’t let his people suffer too long, especially without teaching them valuable life lessons in the process. Just like running, every shin splint, every aching muscle, every failed attempt to beat a time, every minute put into preparing will pay off. Your walk with God is no different. Every prayer, every tear you shed, every moment of being rejected, overlooked, and persevering anyways will pay off.
I came home and prayed harder than I have in a while. And I’m not talking meek, little praying. I did some spiritual warfare, telling the devil where he can go-type stuff! I immediately felt a release and a warrior mentality come over me. It lit a fire in me, and with every intention of quitting this blogging thing, every thought of why do I try to help others when I feel so rejected myself up until this morning, I jumped on here to share exactly what God did in me just today. Take that, Satan!
I may still have stressful circumstances and miracles needed, but I have peace in knowing who’s in control of it all. Hurricanes can’t stop it. People can’t change it. My God is greater, and I’m so grateful that even in my wrongful anger towards him, he has enough mercy and grace to love me anyways.
Praise God for His continual work in us!