“I cant do this.”
“I don’t know how to overcome my past.”
“Will I ever heal from this hurt caused so long ago?”
I was born into a world of drug addicted parents who couldn’t take care of themselves, let alone their kids. I have two sisters, one older, one younger. We were in foster care and bounced around from place to place quite often. The story I have for you today is one that will show you my life from a different perspective, one that is definitely not easy.
Hello. My name is Lust. I met Joey on the 5th year of his life. He didn’t even know I was there, but yes I was ready. I met him in the form of a friend named Danny. Danny was a troubled 18-year-old man that had bad things happen to him as well. Joey and Danny would go around collecting cans from the neighborhood to scrap. One day Danny and Joey went into a house that had burned down to collect the aluminum from the old windows . That’s where I truly was introduced to Joey. It was all so quick that he didn’t even realize I was there until it happened. I came in when Danny raped Joey.
Joey felt scared, hurt, abandoned, and worthless. He didn’t even understand what those feelings were.
The second time I visited my friend, Joey, was when he was 7. This time was different. I came in the form of his mother’s drug dealer, and I wasn’t there to be his friend. I was there to destroy his perspective of love and purity, and I did just that. What I did that day would follow Joey for the rest of his life. I beat him. I hurt him. I molested him, and said, “This is what love is, kid.” I told him how one day he would understand why this happened to him. I made sure he knew that this was all his fault.
Now I am in Joey. Joey is full of me, Lust. At this point he was 12 years old and had a girlfriend who he “loved.” “Well if you love someone, you have sex, right?” He was so deceived. They had sex, and he was even more open to me. I added another weapon to my arsenal, porn. I taught him porn was love and fulfillment. It was satisfaction off and on for a few years. I thought I had done my job well.
The next part of this story I will write as myself. One day I met the girl who would become my wife. She was wearing this thing called a purity ring. “What the heck is this?!” I thought. She told me she was a virgin and would stay that way until marriage. She believed what the bible said, that sex was a beautiful covenant between a married couple. She even had written letters for her future husband since she was a young girl. She told me, “I have dreamed about my husband my whole life. I have saved myself for him. If I’m worth this to you, and you ever want to marry me, you will wait for it.”
Wow. Where did this girl come from? She was like no other. This was new to me. It challenged me and spoke to my wounded heart. Yes, I could wait. And we did. The day I married my wife, we made love for the first time, and it was incredibly special.
Still, I couldn’t tell her my struggles with lust, or the things that had happened to me. She wouldn’t understand, I thought. I will not be the man she wanted, the man she saved herself for. I have to maintain this strong persona.
I became a drug addict, partially to deal with the pain, when I was 19 years old. The lust was still an issue, but I could hide it well. During the time I was on drugs I cheated on my wife. Both my wife and I were convinced that my bad decision was solely made from the drug use.
Things got better. I got clean at the age of 22 and gave a lot of my life to God. But I was still holding onto this hurt. I felt like I was in control, but we all know where that leads to.
Years went by and I entertained, but concealed my hidden lust. I found myself one day talking to an old friend. She flattered me. She made me feel something inside I shouldn’t have. Guys, she wasn’t ANYTHING in comparison to the beautiful wife God gave me, but lust lays dormant inside of you and is like a cancer cell just waiting to come to life and devour you. I thought I needed this fulfillment in areas. Not that my wife wasn’t enough. It had nothing to do with her. This was something that controlled me, just another drug. I sought more porn as well.
Meanwhile, I’m not going to the one person God gave me to confide in. I pushed her out. I emotionally abandoned her. In many ways I “left” her, even though I was right there, and I didn’t care for her heart anymore. Suddenly, it felt that she was my enemy.
One day in my utter despair, I fell on my face before God. I asked him to bring everything to the surface. I asked him to bring everything to light . Be careful what you ask for! Within the next 2 weeks, everything came to the surface, drugs, porn, emotional cheating, and a social media affair. It was ugly. “God, why?! I just wanted the things I’m comfortable with to come out. Now I am completely open with nothing to hide! Where do I go from here?! She will never value me again. I have stolen that from her.” But God knew that in order for true healing to take place in me and her, everything had to be exposed. It was all out in the open.
This is where God can bring complete restoration. We are still struggling to get where God wants us to be at times. I still fight thoughts here and there. My wife and I have had sex, and while it’s great, true love-making, where your hearts are joined together, hasn’t fully happened since the lust was exposed. But I see healing taking place.
I have only in the past 5 months or so learned what true love-making is. I now see the complete virtue in it . It’s a bond that can’t be broken or duplicated by lustful desires. I know that I have said a lot here, but I hope you see what God is doing in my life. You can overcome lust in your life as well. If you struggle with these issues, please go to your spouse and allow them in to help. They may be devastated, yes, but at least you won’t be alone.
Now I have someone else fighting for me in a spiritual manner. God has been here all along but Dana couldn’t until I let her in. Now she is truly my confidant. She is bold and stronger than anyone I know to go through what she has, but she hasn’t given up on us.
Please see that the things in life that happen that are out of your control aren’t what defines you. They are what’s going to build you and give you a testimony. My pain was very real, but I no longer have to believe the lie that I am bound to a life of lust. In fact, I’ve traded that label for a new one.
Hello, my name is Beloved. Nice to meet you.